Heavy Thoughts

I am still in the middle of this quarter-life crisis (think I've had this crisis since I finished school, why does it ever go away?) and I have been doing a lot of thinking in terms of my personal growth, career growth and whatever else that i should have accomplished today as a human being.

So many times I wish life could remain so simple so that I could still go out and experience the world as it is, more exactly, as how i remember living it as a child.

I have also been thinking so much about my photography and how i truly want to put more thought into my work. What brought about this thought is having watched "What Remains: The Life and Work of Sally Mann". I realize that the reason I've been having a withdrawal on my photography recently is because I finally know what I want my work to be, which is to be something inclined to being an art rather than being inclined to commercialism. I want my work to speak volumes, trigger emotions.

I want to be a changed person because of it, and not just snap at anything randomly. Nothing wrong with that because I went through a long time doing that, and I still do until now but I'm feeling the need to improve and put more meaning into images. Although snapping "randoms" helps a lot, there's really something else in it that's in a higher level than what most people see and understand.

I am also rethinking what I'll be doing next year, in terms of career. Right now, I'm a teacher but i'm really not happy doing it anymore. It never really has been my dream to be a teacher but I'm truly grateful for the things I've learned while being one. It just doesn't get me thinking that I can do it forever.

I also do not dream of becoming a professional photographer as what most people around me think. I just really want photography to be something that I do to express and for it to inspire me to do my dream job,  to live life as it's supposed to be lived.

I have just been feeling really down lately. I'm not a religious person but I try to seek a little help from God, 'cause maybe he knows where i'm supposed to be going.

I hate to be all dramatic and thoughtful, but, you know, there comes a time in a person's life when there's a need to think things over, the serious things in life.

Sometimes, I just feel like i want to stare into space for hours and sleep.

I've been watching Friends reruns to cheer myself up a bit. Now, Friends is also making me wish I had great funny friends and room mates. Sigh.

On a side note, I hope Saibh is enjoying her vacation right now.