On Life and Turning Thirty

“And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. But most of all, I learned that life is about sitting on benches next to ancient creeks with my hand on her knee and sometimes, on good days, for falling in love.” — Nicholas Sparks

I've been seeing a lot of beautiful sunsets lately. Sunsets almost always bring me to a reflective mood, and whenever I see one, I pause and feel such awe and fascination how something so beautiful could be so different each day but always look so lovely.

What I have been thinking about recently, well actually not just recently but for quite some time already, is about turning thirty next week. I feel hesitant saying it here because I think most of the people I interact with online do not know how old I am. I actually wanted to keep it that way.

There's a common thought on being thirty especially to people who are younger than that. Thirty is old. And nobody wants to be associated with being "old". Well, I guess there's nothing wrong about being considered "old" as long as you've done everything you've ever wanted to do in your teens and twenties. I wonder so many times why I've allowed my life to be this uneventful and unsuccessful for so long.

One of the things I've always really wanted was to have a best friend. I have a couple of friends from work, I have hobby-friends, high school friends, but a best friend that I can always call and just spend time with for no reason at all on a daily or weekly basis, I have none. That's sad, I know. One reason that I have so little motivation is because I don't have that. I love my current friends and I treasure them and I would love for them all to be my best friends but I just feel they don't feel the same way. Like they already have their own best friends already, you know. You just really get the feeling. For my other friends, keeping in touch isn't easy because they work in other places. So I kind of gave up on having a best friend a long time ago. I just thought it would be nice to have someone just in case I don't end up having a family of my own.

I saw an episode of tv show Friends, the title was "The one where everybody turns thirty" and it was about Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) not liking the fact that she's turning thirty because unlike her friends, she has no child or a serious relationship with a guy at her age. At the end of the episode, they pointed out that being thirty is not so bad and that instead of being nervous or sad about what Rachel didn't have, she should be thankful for having everything she has and that includes all her five friends who care and love her.

That is true, I guess, but no matter how I make myself think positively, there's always this negative vibe trying to penetrate my head. I guess it is different for each person because we live different lives. I do have plans though on taking on pursuing my dream job and starting to live life how I want it but I can only do so much. Life is such a beautiful gift and I am afraid that I might not be able to live it the way I want.

Filipino celebrity Bianca Gonzales recently turned thirty and I feel so jealous that she feels so fulfilled at such age. She's mentioned things she's done, people she's met and I try to do the same, mostly about things I've done but I cannot name a lot. It only means I have a lot of catching up to do starting right now. I know it's not nice and healthy to compare our lives with others but with all this social media around me, I can't help but end up doing it! Often, I just wish I could to stop looking at Facebook. I'm not addicted to it or anything but ghad, when I open it, all these things are happening in other people's lives that just makes me rethink what I've been doing in mine.

I already know the answer to this dilemma but there's so much uncertainty. I'm not the spontaneous type of person and I like to think of backup plans just in case I get something unexpected.

But I know one thing I want to be no matter what happens and that is to be happy. Life is simply about working and living life to achieve happiness, big and small.

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.” — John Lennon