The Sadness In Haiyan's Aftermath

My heart breaks from the sadness brought about by super storm Haiyan to my home country. The warnings on tv were enough to get worried thoughts for Dumaguete hover in my mind that day. We had experienced a warning like that before. It was during the storm Sendong or the one after that. My family stayed indoors and gathered around the living room, all the windows and doors shut with no power but candles lit and listened to the radio from our mobile phones listening to local reports hearing the wind howling through the windows. That lasted for about two to three hours and it was indeed strong. A lot of huge trees were uprooted and at that time, we thought that was already bad enough.

We were warned that Haiyan would be strong but no one imagined the tragedy it would bring to Tacloban, Ormoc and other affected places. Seeing live footage of people struggling to survive fighting for their lives, I have no words to describe how terrifying these people could have felt during that time. I can't imagine the terror of being on the roof of a house or a building, shivering in the cold, the strong wind blowing and dangerous objects flying everywhere. Seeing bodies of people especially of children scattered all over the place, when you can no longer differentiate them from the countless debris. The bodies covered and laid on the table, on the ground for people to identify, some wrapped in body bags, others already stiff and those carrying them crying while they move these bodies from one place to another... there is extreme sadness that I've only felt during my lowest of lowest times.

And in those moments, while people were fighting for their lives, I recall to myself what I was doing at that time. I was at work. Worrying and complaining about deadlines and clients. Worrying about my petty and insignificant problems. Shame and guilt eat me up when I think about it. While people happily said goodbye to Yolanda in their facebook statuses, people were busy with the beauty pageants and hobbyists prepared their equipment to photograph storm-related moments, little did we know that thousands of precious lives were being lost. But we could never have known. To be thankful that my home Dumaguete did not experience serious damage somehow feels wrong. It feels selfish to be thankful for being spared of something that thousands of others are suffering of.

I have heard of Anderson Cooper's name in the past but have never really seen him on tv. I heard news of him covering the situation in Tacloban, being misunderstood by Korina Sanchez, the President being bashed for a public statement, political officials being blamed, all these became a blur and were forcefully pushed back in my mind because I've been having personal problems of my own.

Cooper's last video report gave me confused feelings of heartbreak, admiration, gratefulness and pride. Heartbreaking sadness for my countrymen for the difficulty they are going through; pure admiration for their unparalleled strength in rising above the violent waters of this storm; the courage to break a smile and even laugh despite this ominous nightmare. The sound of a man's cry for the loss of his mother resounds in my head and sends his agony down to my heart. The sight of a man's tears falling from his eyes that show nothing but worry, extreme sadness and pain. I have never felt so many sad emotions happening all at once. Never.

But then, I also pick up a sense of gratefulness for the value of life and realizing how short it can be and how it can be taken away from you any day, any moment; to be thankful for the comfort of home, that we have roofs over our heads, clothes on our backs, all the food and water we can eat and drink, and our family and friends safe. To be from the country who has shown the rest of the world how to live and rise up to this painful test of faith and strength, i am proud. Proud of the strength of our hearts and our ability to help each other especially in times when life seems so hopeless and empty. 

The past week, I had not been able to focus on the recent news of the tragedy as I felt extremely absorbed by my personal issues coupled with the endless deadlines and pressure at work. I found myself mentally drained at the end of the day. I kept telling myself to go back and focus on the more serious issue at hand but my heart, as emotionally immature as it still is today, has made me forget how insignificant my problems were. I felt that i had no right to complain, I had no right to be sad about the littlest things going on in my life. I kept telling myself that people from home have lost everything they had and yet my problems were all that I could think of. God knows I tried diverting my thoughts but my heart cannot. When a lot of sad things are happening to you at the same time, it is difficult to wrap your mind around all of it. This big dark cloud follows you everywhere and it seems that it will never go away. A person can only do so much, but face each day with a heavy heart. I felt selfish and I felt ungrateful. I regret every minute of it despite the fact that it was something I could not control.

I am urging my friends and family to send help. I know goods and money cannot bring back the lives and homes lost but it could prevent more from dying and suffering. The help from the whole world is overwhelming and touching. I am saddened though of all the fighting, blaming and bashing that's been going on with regards to how help is being sent and received. All of that does not help and blaming does not make any difference now because things have already happened. It may be true that the government has proven to be somewhat inneffective, but there are so many factors to consider in this situation, so maybe we can try to see things with an open mind and try our best to help any way we can to minimize problems in sending and receiving help.

I believe everything happens for a reason and as unimaginably devastating as it was, as much as I would wish it never ever happened at all, somehow it had to, because it was meant to tell and teach the world something. It's just sad to know that lives had to be lost for these lessons to be learned.

From how I see it, it tells us how life is fleeting. Things can change in a day, in an hour, in a minute. It tells us how so many of us take things and so many people in our lives for granted. It shows people how to put themselves in the shoes of those who have lost their homes, crying over the bodies of their loved ones. It is already frightful enough to see on tv, how much more if we were actually there with them or was in their shoes. It is a wakeup call to us who have forgotten to treasure everything we have right now. It shows how very admirably strong these people are, those who survived and are struggling to survive. The strength to live through it and after it, I don't think I would ever have it in me. The help abroad has shown unity across mankind. We Filipinos are very thankful for the abundant help we have received.

But most importantly, for each person who has experienced loss in this tragedy, it may have happened to help us see the Lord. To hold on to Him when there is nothing left to hold on to. It might have happened to teach us faith, hope and strength. 

To end this, I quote a line from Rick Warren: "

You'll never know God is all you need until God is all you have."