What lies ahead

"What did it mean for a person to be free?
Even if you managed to escape from one cage, weren't you just in another larger one?"

~ Haruki Murakami

Before anything, I wish to say that I have a new-found respect for poets. It's such a wonderful gift, I'd say, to be able to write things in such beautiful lyrical manner, in the perfect clauses, phrasing, diction and then finally be able to put them all together in effortless rhyme. I am aware that not all poems rhyme but they are all nevertheless poems and such way of writing can become an entirely different language on their own.

I had attempted poems when I was younger. It wasn't long before I decided that poetry doesn't like me. But I like it and I continue to like it even so. I also attempted formal writing. One time, I wanted to join the high school publication and was asked by a teacher to write about anything I wanted to write about. "Anything" was difficult. I wrote, but I didn't get accepted. Another time, I wanted to be a copy editor for this company, and as my application piece, I was asked to write about a stapler. I tried my best but I didn't get the job. I decided then that formal writing also didn't like me.

Other than writing, I had also attempted in two different occasions to try out a job that wasn't really my passion but people kept telling me I was good at it so I gave it a try. The first time I was rejected, the second time, I rejected it. And then comes the job that comes close. The one that I've created as an ideal for myself. That which I could make as a career until the day I retire. That which I saw would carry me every step of the way to fulfill my other dreams. I have made the second attempt and based on previous experience, the second time should be enough to let me decide.

Ever since I learned the tools of trade, I've created this ideal in my mind that would, without a question, lead me where I wanted to be. And I still remember so vividly how I wrote about it every single day in my journal, counting down days, saving up for that one thing I wanted the most.

Sometimes, in life, there are things you have to go through first before you can say yes if it's really what you want, or say no if it isn't. But most definitely not regret trying because without it, you'll be left wondering for the rest of your life. I'm not saying I have found what it is I've always been looking for, but I am certain this is not what I want. It's just ironic that what I could not wait to be free from before is what I feel would make me free today. I'm returning to where I started, taking that old same road, but this time with a plan (or maybe just half of it). I don't want to plan too far long in the future because we just never know what could happen. Laying out long-term plans will just disappoint you.

I've always lived by the phrase "Life is short...", do this, do that. It may sound very irresponsible at times but I try my best to make it fit in a situation whenever I can. Of course I know better than just do things here and there without being a responsible adult. I know it's not meant to be done in black and white. There are consequences and there should still be plans.

Only just a matter of months now...